What's Your Standard?

I’ve been thinking about reference points lately.

Reference Point (noun) - a basis or standard for evaluation, assessment, or comparison; a criterion (Google Dictionary)

- something that is used to judge or understand something else (Merriam-Webster)

While I know we each have a variety of reference points by which we evaluate and understand our lives, I’m realizing this season that I haven’t given much intentional thought to my own reference points and what I’ve allowed to become a standard to measure myself against. Shouldn’t there be some kind of criteria for this? Some kind of test to pass or threshold to meet before endowing something or someone with the power of a reference point?

I’ve taken the past 5 weeks or so away from social media. This was intended as a break, not a break up – just some time away to reevaluate our relationship. Can I admit that I feel happier this month? I’ve been more content, more at peace, more full of joy, more…myself. I am honestly surprised by this. I like seeing photos of friends’ lives, I like learning new things, and I hugely value relationship and connection, so what gives?

As I reflect on this, I’m realizing that instead of a connection point, I allowed social media to become a reference point. The lives and choices of others started having a disproportionate impact on my satisfaction and view of myself. Watching entertaining FB videos somehow turned into doomscrolling, complete with negative comparison and self-talk. It just made me feel…low.

I love the Teddy Roosevelt quote “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Amen to that. Cutting off the feeding tube of social media feels like tacking my boat into the wind – my sails are full to bursting with fresh air and I’m picking up speed in a new direction. Instead of feeling bad or lacking, I feel a renewed sense of gratitude for my life and a sense of responsibility for my story.

When my husband and I lived in Hawai’i we learned a word that we have loved and used in our family ever since: “kuleana.” In short, this word means “responsibility,” but it is so much more robust than that. I love this explanation from PBS:

“Kuleana (Koo-leh-ah-nah), the Hawaiian word for responsibility, has many different meanings though it’s most often associated with being a privilege. According to Hawaiian custom, kuleana is only given to those who demonstrate their readiness and worthiness to handle a responsibility. A common phrase that reminds one of this privilege is “‘Auamo Kuleana,” which translates to “carry your responsibilities.” Kuleana is your personal and distinct contribution to a community so it can thrive. Kuleana changes over time: young children acquire different kuleana around the household, students gain kuleana as they broaden their skill set, adults take on more kuleana within the community or their profession.”

What a beautiful idea. What if my story is my privilege and responsibility to carry? What if this pull I feel to write is actually my kuleana – my “personal and distinct contribution to the community so it can thrive?” The thought swells in my chest and again my sails are full to bursting.

I’m not breaking up with social media forever, but before I go back, I want some serious boundaries in place.  I think this is a good time to put my reference points through a review process. Who gets to speak into my life? Who and what get to serve as standards against which to measure myself? It’s time for more real relationships and communication. More listening to God and listening to myself. I want to seek out and listen to voices I respect from people whose values, lives and choices call me to step up and play big in this life.

I’m thinking about you as I write this today. What does this bring up for you? Have you given thought to your own reference points lately? You are wonderful, and you are worth it. Hugs today!

Lindsay

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