We have liftoff!

A few days ago I had a second long talk with my dear friend before our final neighborhood Bible study of the season. I mused about whether I wanted to talk with the group about my alopecia, and ultimately realized that I wanted to stop trying to control the situation but just be open to it if the opportunity came up and I felt led to speak. She encouraged me to trust God and to listen for his leading, and then prayed for me before we met with the larger group. The idea of just letting go shouldn’t have felt so foreign, but it was a huge relief to decide in advance that I would just listen for guidance rather than gaming out every possible scenario.

To tell you the truth, I didn’t expect to say anything. About half of the group that showed up are neighbors I am still getting to know, and a few women I know a little better were unable to attend. I checked in with myself, but I can’t say I felt either relief or disappointment so much as a sense of acceptance about this. Then toward the end of the evening as the topic turned to more vulnerable topics like dealing with “what ifs” and anxiety, I felt that welling up in the pit of my stomach that always happens right before I know that I need to share what’s on my mind.

I opened my mouth, and words spilled out. Words about alopecia, about living with a level of anxiety because of my hair and that it has been a significant cause of fear and withdrawal even within our neighborhood, and expressing concern that I don’t want to pass that constant low-grade anxiety on to my precious son. Of course, I cried through at least half of this. If you know me, this probably isn’t a big surprise…my emotions always seem to hover just below the surface.

My words were met with understanding and grace. “I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this,” “I wish you had told us sooner,” “we love you for who you are," "we're your friends! You could have told us!" Several people came up to me afterward just to squeeze my arm or offer words of support, and I woke up to many encouraging texts the next morning.

My dear friend checked in with me at the end of the evening and asked how I was feeling. The proverbial “vulnerability hangover” hadn’t set in just yet, but I had a feeling it was hovering on the edges of my consciousness. I walked home with a flood of thoughts and went straight in the house to tell my husband that I had shared. He smiled, I cried. He rested his forehead on mine and told me how proud he was. Over and over, he murmured, “bravery is beautiful. Bravery is beautiful!” My son rewarded me with big grins, and during bedtime prayers he thanked God that Mommy was brave and talked about her hair.

I meant to blog about this the day after it happened but couldn’t seem to find the words. My friend checked in on me to see how I was feeling, and I found myself responding that “I suppose as there really is no un-saying it I might as well enjoy the benefits of having said it!” I can’t say this means I intend to walk outside with a softie hat on or run to the pool with just a swim cap tomorrow, but maybe I will soon. I think I will start with leaving my window blinds open more often when wearing a hat.

Get this: two days after my “big share,” I met up with an acquaintance and we talked for about an hour and a half. We had spoken briefly over text and Zoom but had never met in person, so this was basic getting-to-know-you stuff. We were both wearing sunglasses and enjoying our conversation when out of the blue she asked me if my eyebrows are tattooed on. I immediately replied, “I wish!” I found myself very easily talking about my eyebrow makeup and that I have alopecia so I’ve been drawing them on for a long time but always looking for new ideas. Wow! It just tripped off my tongue, you guys. It turns out that she has to draw on eyebrows and eyeliner for other reasons, and we had a long conversation about everything from makeup and tattoos to fears and shame – to include how to manage middle of the night emergencies (like I blogged about a few months ago). It was AMAZING. I have NEVER had the opportunity to talk with someone who understands this experience. I have to wonder how I would have responded to an out of the blue question about my eyebrows if I had not already been in a more open-hearteded position of surrender and open-handed position of sharing myself with others this week.

I am blown away by all of this. Still processing and wondering what’s ahead, but this has been a big week for me and I am delighted to share that I made through and am still grinning at the end.

Sending love to you all, and so much appreciation as you walk this journey with me!