Longing

The question I've been pondering today: is it okay to long for something that you may never have? I don’t think I will ever stop longing for the lovely hair I once had, for eyebrows that stay on my face (although believe me, I have my eye on getting tattoos), and for a reason to use mascara, my once FAVORITE form of makeup. These are all good things, and it’s natural to want good things. So what's the problem?

It may just be semantics, but while wanting implies desire, to me longing is more of a constant, maybe even obsessive yearning for something. Oh yes, I have been there...more frequently than I like to admit. When that longing overtakes me I start to get off-kilter. I start seeing all of the things I don’t have but still want, rather than appreciating what I do have. I start looking at the women around me with thick, gorgeous heads of hair and focusing solely on my lack thereof. I see women going for a run outside and unfairly decide, “you probably don’t even appreciate the freedom you have.” I envy men and women who unthinkingly wipe their foreheads, as their eyebrows are attached to their faces and unlikely to come off with that type of motion. Focusing on what I long for but don’t have and may never have seems to make my heart angrier, less kind, and less generous. Those are not moments that make me feel joy, fulfilment, or pride in who I am as a human being.

I suppose there is a reason “count your blessings” is such common advice. It forces a perspective check. I know that I am blessed to be able to buy a wig, which after so many years really has become my “hair.” (I have had several of the exact same style over the years, to be specific). Eyebrow makeup has become much more mainstream, which means there are soooo many more options than there used to be. Hurrah! It also means that more women are using it, which may draw less attention to my eyebrows being drawn on. The technology has also improved, so the new makeup is less likely to rub off or sweat off at the drop of a hat. Speaking of hats, there are a lot of companies that make super comfy and even cute hats and scarves for women who have experienced hair loss for one reason or another...and on that subject, while alopecia is a tough hand to be dealt, it is a cosmetic one. While it has some very real social, psychological and emotional impacts, it is not life-threatening.

I have “counted my blessings” from time to time, but I can’t say it’s been a significant life practice to date where alopecia has been concerned. I am more likely to either ignore alopecia as part of my daily reality (it falls in the category of “get up and brush teeth” for me to also “draw on eyebrows, put on hair, go have coffee and get on with the day”) or to be annoyed or frustrated by it ("this isn’t fair," etc.). Still, even writing the paragraph above was a needed injection of perspective for today. This isn’t the first time I have reminded myself of these things, and it won’t be the last, but the practice of writing them out has reminded me of them for right now – and I feel better! Perhaps counting my alopecia blessings should be higher on my regular to-do list… and perhaps I should also make it a point to start actively counting them when the longing or the envy of others inevitably rears its head. I want to grow stronger in how I manage these things, and more understanding of my own feelings at the same time.

Alopecia or otherwise, what has worked for you to manage the balance between hope, natural desires, and the threat of negativity? What has helped you maintain good perspective? I would love to learn from you!