Hesitation

Well, friends, an opportunity arose the other night to share my story with about nine of my friends and neighbors as we were chatting after a backyard Bible study. Somehow the topic turned to hair extensions and how expensive they can be, and with a couple of people chiming in about augmented hair I realized (heart jumping into my throat) that I might be able to slip my own situation into this conversation in a relatively organic way. I waited for a beat, prayed “is this time to share?”, almost opened my mouth, and then … I hesitated. The moment passed. Conversation moved on.

I’m choosing to believe that this was not “the” opportunity, but simply “an” opportunity to share. My mom encouraged me that of course I don’t have to tell anyone anything and that I can do so if and when the timing feels right to me. A good friend who knows all about my alopecia and who was present at the Bible study told me she had wondered if I would bring it up that evening because of how low key and easy going the conversation was. As I talked about my regret over hesitating, she pointed out that this might be indicative of how I really feel about wanting to share this part of myself with others. Good perspective! If I felt nothing but relief it would be a pretty clear message that I’m not ready, but instead the feelings of disappointment and deflation are a clue that I really do want to move forward and create some more space for myself around this issue.

My friend also pointed out to me the character and personalities of the women in that group, and in our neighborhood. We really are surrounded by some excellent, kind, loving people. Why am I so afraid? And of what, exactly?

I came home that night and asked my husband why it is that some forms of beauty augmentation and enhancement seem so socially acceptable, while others appear not to be. Hair extensions, false eyelashes, skin peels, spray tans, tooth whitening, veneers, even botox… these things are just commonly accepted. Am I right in thinking that “augmentation” is often accepted by people whereas “replacement” is not? Or is that my own hang up, and not really an issue for others? On top of this, one wonders at what age you finally decide that life is short and it’s okay to just be who and how you really are, without putting on a show for others who may or may not even notice or need it.

One of the topics we were discussing during Bible study that night was the need to train for triggers. Knowing that there are unique hot buttons in life that are going to trigger each of us, we talked about the importance of having a game plan, a battle plan for how to deal with these things when they inevitably arise. In the conversation with my friend the following day, this topic came up again and she suggested that I also think about training for how I want to tell others about my alopecia. I can think about what I want to say and how I want to say it before the moment arises. If an opportunity comes again, I can be ready and able to more confidently take hold and take the adventure.

Have you ever hesitated and then wished you had just taken the leap? What would you do differently next time?