So, yesterday...

Yesterday, after my now daily practice of writing about alopecia, I found myself in the worst mood. I have to say I am surprised by that, given that I was feeling very positive while writing. To tell you the truth, at some point it hit me that “I don’t want to play right now.” I don’t want to learn and grow about this. I don’t want to be brave and start telling people about alopecia. I don’t want irrevocable change in how I live my life. Yesterday I just felt like staying in my hidey hole of anonymity and wearing the dumb wig and being “normal.” Instead of allowing myself to have that moment and believing it would eventually pass, I judged myself for having it and then sat around feeling massively grumpy and ashamed (and rubbing it off on my poor family). Great.

I went to the dermatologist yesterday afternoon for another round of steroid injections in my scalp. I used to get these on a monthly basis but they stopped working years ago. We tried them again a few months ago and I am utterly amazed to find that they are suddenly causing some hair regrowth again after so much time. My hair is dark brown, and it startles me every time I look in the mirror because I am so used to seeing myself mostly bald (and using clippers without a guard to keep any remaining hair as short as possible). Honestly, I think having hair somehow makes me look shorter. How funny. Most days I am just delighted to have anything on my head at all…secret hair under my “secret” wig.

At the dermatologist’s office, they were thrilled about the progress. This particular doctor’s office takes pictures of my scalp every time I go (this was my third time). The nurse showed me the before and after pictures from my first visit until now, and there is a lot of growth and change. I feel like on a normal day when I am in the right mindset and not feeling as cranky as I was feeling, I might have rejoiced in this. Gotten excited. Felt encouraged. Instead, ALL I could see were the remaining bald spots. The thinness. The yuck. I felt gross and tired and sad and just… so over it.

I am sad that I felt that way. I wish I could have embraced thankfulness and gladness in that moment, but I totally indulged in self-pity and some self-loathing instead. I left with a painful head (because shots in the scalp hurt, my friends) and a bruised and crabby heart.

It is a new day and I am trying hard to shake this off. I had a really good quiet time with God today, reading His word and writing out some prayers. I need an attitude adjustment and I need some perspective that isn’t coming from me. I need a reminder today that this is okay, that it will be okay, that I am okay.

As I am writing, I am reflecting on what could have made me feel so upset, and I think I know the answer. It wasn’t the “interview with my son” I posted yesterday – it was because of another draft that I haven't posted yet. I decided to take a crack at writing one of my most embarrassing alopecia moments. I wanted to write it because all of this feels heavy and serious and I thought I ought to inject some levity and write about some funny times as well. And I promise, there have been funny times!

I think what happened is I picked a moment that was pretty recent, and just a bit too fresh to talk about. Maybe, as I was trying to find and share the humor, I just didn't recognize that I am still kind of angry that it happened at all. Reliving it to write it brought all of the feelings of that moment to surface. I laughed while writing, but I realize, in retrospect, that I am also experiencing some latent angst about what “normal people” experience that I do not. When will I shake this off? Living in resentment is no way to be, I know this. I want to live free and joyful and unashamed. I want to be able to really laugh and actually feel the humor - not try to be funny or make something funny that just isn't yet.

Tell me, friends, whether it’s about alopecia or something else, what do you do when you are in a funk and you know you need to get out of it? How do you shake off shame and embrace wholeness and self-love? What works for you to regain balance and perspective? I would really love to hear and learn from you.

XO

Lindsay