Force Fields

Do you ever come up against force fields in your life? I do all the time, and I’m not always sure which ones are “real” and which I have constructed myself.

Last night my husband decided to go for a run right before we were going to go to bed. For whatever reason, I found this super irritating. I know…can the guy live? Upon reflection, I think I was dealing with the combination of frustration and shame that I haven’t worked out lately along with an (un)healthy dose of envy that he could just go running at the drop of a hat and not have to think about putting his hair back on or drawing eyebrows on to do it. After he left I mentioned my annoyance in a mini outburst to someone else, who, instead of engaging on the hair remark, commented instead that men are lucky to be able to go running alone at 10 pm without concern for their safety. Well that one hadn’t even crossed my mind… but now I had TWO reasons to be annoyed.

He came home and, like the extremely wise and judicious person I can be sometimes, I brought up why I was feeling annoyed. He immediately started “solving it.” No! No solving it! Don’t people know when it's time to let me make unreasonable, self-centered remarks and just listen in silence? Apparently not.

He started commenting that I was imagining barriers where there weren’t any. That I could just drive to the next neighborhood if I wanted to start running. This irritated me to death and I ended the conversation in huff.

Except…then I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Wait, what? Can I do that? That sounds so simple. If being seen by my neighbors bothers me, I could just drive somewhere that I’m less likely to know people and do what I want to do? This shouldn’t sound revolutionary, folks, but it did. It does.

I would like to say that this actually solved it for me, but now I am trying to figure out whether the next 10 force fields that almost immediately popped up in my mind are real barriers or issues I have constructed on my own. For example: exactly how far away would I have to go to feel comfortable? When is a “good” time to go there, if it adds a drive and a return trip to the excursion? And on that topic, I have never figured out the right time of day to exercise. When I wake up, before putting on makeup and hair, or later in the day when I at least can work out in eyebrows (which may rub or sweat off!) but when I would then have to shower and start the whole draw my face on routine over again? It starts feeling like more trouble than it’s worth.

I was actually thinking about running last night, an hour or two before this particular situation came up. I had revised the opening statement on my homepage about viewing blogging as a “couch to 5K” program for living with alopecia, and suddenly became a little enamored of the idea of doing an actual couch to 5K program. I have never been a runner, in part because of alopecia and in part because I hurt my back badly in my early 20s and was told by doctors that running was not a great idea for me. But the new year is coming and, along with so many others, I am thinking about life goals and health goals for the upcoming year. What an idea, for me to actually, literally run free. It’s funny but the very thought sounds so audacious to me after these years of hiding and avoiding such things that I secretly smile just thinking it.

So, what to do? Just go somewhere else, fully ditch the accoutrements (wig and/or eyebrows) and go running -- patchy hair and all? Yikes that sounds like a lot. I know I’m not ready yet to do this in my own neighborhood… but maybe that doesn’t mean I can’t do it at all. Maybe it would help to go with a trusted buddy instead of by myself? I don’t know. Talk to me, friends – what do you think? What would you do?