Fires and Spiders and Wigs - oh my!

I read recently that fear is not rational or irrational, it is simply relative. It's a good perspective, as lately I have been pondering whether my fears are “reasonable” or “rational” and chewing on the bigger issue of whether I allow them to make me behave in ways that are irrational or even harmful. I think a big part of “making peace” with something involves dealing with fears, so it's a timely topic as I continue on this journey.

We lived in the great state of Kansas for a time, in the only house I’ve lived in as an adult which actually had a basement. We had very little reason to actually spend time downstairs, aside from storing some boxes and old furniture. As it happened, we also lived near “Tornado Alley,” in a neighborhood that had sirens installed in case warnings were needed.

A small detail about me: I hate spiders. I really do. I think it would be fair to go ahead and call me “arachnophobic,” given how visceral my response can be when one catches me unawares. As it happens, Wolf Spiders are very common in Kansas and we saw a few of them in our basement as well as out and about in the neighborhood. So gross.

It’s embarrassing to admit this, but I actually wondered at one point whether my fear of the Wolf Spiders under the basement staircase would make me hesitate even a second too long in getting to safety in the event of a tornado emergency. When I put that into words, it sounds ridiculous. I totally get that. I also get that unchecked fear can make us do crazy, regrettable things.

I have had genuine fear over the years of my alopecia being discovered without my intent or consent, and I have gone through a lot of effort on a daily basis to avoid these possibilities. I have found ways to fret about the everyday concerns: “will I be found out,” what will people say,” and so on. I have also found ways to inject alopecia into imagined emergency situations: “in case of a fire, would I have time to grab my wig before going out the window?” “If I need to go to the ER in the middle of the night, do I take an eyebrow pencil with me or actually take the time to draw on eyebrows?” (For the record: No! You do not have time to put on eyebrows in the middle of an emergency.)

I was speaking with a great coach the other day who suggested that I journal past the “what if’s” that kept coming up for me about something else I was working on. I am a champion “what iffer,” and I made a nice, big fat list. I wrote down every single fear that I was feeling in the present as well as my concerns about the future.

At first, it felt freeing to get it all out there, bursting from me like fire hydrant. As it wound down to a trickle I started to feel overwhelmed, but then I read the full list back to myself. I had to laugh. When you put them all together, it’s quite a fearful fantasy! There is just no way that all of my what-ifs would come to pass, and since it’s impossible to predict which ones actually will (if any), it suddenly seemed like a colossal waste of time to fret about the possibilities. That doesn’t mean I totally ignored the list. Some of the what-ifs would have more serious implications, so I went ahead and thought through (briefly) how I would want to respond if they came up. What I did not do any more was obsess about them or let them continually play in the background of my mind.

Of course, this exercise could apply to alopecia or any other fear in life. It is normal to have fears, and we are not "bad" or "wrong" for experiencing them. I don't want to be controlled by them anymore though. While I am certainly welcome to sit around and focus on my fears all day, or to let them have free reign in my subconscious, it's not really to my benefit. I can choose instead to see them, acknowledge them, and set the smaller ones to the side. For the big ones, I can decide in advance what my game plan will be and then keep moving, because “emergency” or not, life is happening and it is time get moving.