Dialogue with Alopecia

When I was in grad school I took a course that was all about journaling. Personal journaling, professional journaling, journaling for educators. It was the best, most unexpected class ever – it was practically therapy for the small group of us who took it together.

The professors taught us methods I had never dreamed of for journaling and processing our thoughts, and my very favorite to this day is the dialogue method. The idea is simply to pick someone or something to have a conversation with – it can be a friend, loved one, famous person, even an inanimate object. Then you simply begin writing both sides of the conversation. This sounded silly to me at first, but I quickly found it to be exceptionally revealing – a different angle to listen to myself. I highly recommend this method to anyone wrestling with an idea, thought or experience that they want to unpack.

As I fell asleep last night I had the thought that it was past time that alopecia and I had a heart to heart – because I had some things to say. Below is what came out this morning.

Dialogue with Alopecia:

Me: I’m not usually this direct, but since I have the opportunity to talk to you at last, please allow me to say...you super suck. Yes, you. Yes, I mean that! You are the worst, and I do not like you at all. Please go away forever. Like right now. Goodbye.

A: Well that’s personal. Don’t hold back or anything.

Me: It is personal! And I mean every word. Go away.

A: Why take out your anger on me? I’m not inherently good or bad, you know. I just…exist.

Me: I don’t especially appreciate you existing in my universe.

A: Well I’m sorry to disappoint, but here I am – and I’m probably here to stay. So it seems to me that you can sit around hating my rotten guts or just get over it.

Me: Nice. Next time I want advice on how to be I’ll run to you first.

A: Sarcasm noted, but not “especially appreciated.”

Me: Ew. Whatever.

A: Whatever back.

Me: …

A: …

Me: Why are you still hanging around?

A: I feel like we’ve covered that I would be.

Me: Fine.

A: …

Me: …

A: So should we talk, since I’m clearly not going away?

Me: No. Fine. Whatever. What do you want to talk about?

A: Pick a topic. The way you vilify me every time you are upset? The way you use me as an excuse to not do things? The way that you reinforce what you assume others think about me by your very actions of hiding and dismissal?

Me: Excuse me??

A: You heard me. I’m not joking around either. I’ve been around to watch you 1:1 for a looooong time, my friend. I see.

Me: I do not “reinforce what I assume others think.”

A: Oh don’t you? You don’t give them a chance to actually think or express anything, you just decide for them how they will think and feel about it and make all of the decisions for everyone.

Me: Well it’s my disease!

A: Is it though?

Me: Um….yes?

A: Maybe. But you are hardly the only one who experiences this. Go find other people. Go get a community. And while you are at it, consider that if you keep yourself from the community you already do have, you aren’t allowing them to really know you anyway.

Me: Have I mentioned lately that you are the worst?

A: Yeah, I think we have established that point.

Me: Just checking.

A: Listen, you can choose to hear me or not, but you know I am right. You know that the very act of choosing to hide and mask my existence proves that you think that I am bad and wrong. Unacceptable. Unworthy. I think it also shows that you don’t want others to let their imperfections show either.

Me: Oh really. And where did you come up with that one, Obi-Wan?

A: All I’m saying is, you live your beliefs. People may say they believe something but the proof is always in the actions. Don’t tell me you believe people are valuable, worthy, beautiful, and that imperfections are part of who they are…show me you actually mean that. Show me that you believe that by accepting it about yourself – and being willing to share imperfection. You get to set the standards you want to live by, you know. Why is your standard so low?

Me: …

A: …

Me: …………………

A: Cat got your tongue?

Me: You are the worst.

A: I know. So… talk again soon?

Me: …yeah. Okay.