Clarity

I have been pinging on the word "clarity" lately. It's such a gift to just sort through the swirl of thoughts and emotions and to really see the way forward, but it's so easy to look to others for wisdom (or approval) instead of really listening to what *I* think about a subject.

I have been a lifelong journaler, and while I go through on-off phases with it I am still a big believer in the practice. Setting aside the time and the mental space to brain dump and then to reread and actually process my thoughts has often been a huge help in planning my way forward. I have repeatedly been surprised when looking back at journal entries that even when I thought I was struggling with something, I clearly already had an inclination in a particular direction.

This blog has been an interesting exercise in journaling my thoughts and experience. When I was setting up this site, I specifically said "I view each post as another building block, a new exercise to increase my strength and endurance. It is my hope that sharing my thoughts with others will help me learn to run freely with alopecia and encourage others running alongside me." I also said that "more than just 'coping better,' I want to thrive. While alopecia is something I have, it does not define who I am. It is a significant part of my life experience, however, and I want to be able to share it, to connect with and encourage others walking this path as well."

I think I would now add to this that a significant goal of this blog is to get clarity on how I want to live my life with alopecia. The experience of regularly, intentionally focusing on something I have largely ignored for many years has really helped to keep it front and center in my mind. It takes away my wiggle room to duck my head in the sand and pretend everything is "normal." Putting my thoughts and feelings in some semblance of order to share with you has been an incredibly useful practice, as it requires more effort than a nobody-will-see-it brain dump journaling session.

I have been MIA on this blog this summer due primarily to travel, but I want to share some thoughts and updates with you. All good things!

• We went on a long vacation to the beach last month, and I spent at least 50% of my time there in just a softy hat or a swim cap. This is my second year in a row changing from a softy to a swim cap right on the beach, and just not worrying about who sees. And you know what I was reminded of on this vacation? Nobody CARES what other people are doing at the beach. Maybe everyone in the world isn't paying attention to me at all times after all... imagine that.
  

• I am still fully obsessed with Bella Brow. It isn't a perfect product but it stayed on through numerous salt water excursions -- a total win and major improvement from when we used to live by this beach and I would fret about my eyebrows rubbing off.
  

• I texted several times with my new friend about eyebrow makeup and what is working well for each of us. It is SUCH a gift to have found someone to chat and compare notes with!
  

• My son made friends on the beach and I ended up talking to the other kid's dad. We were probably 10 minutes into conversation when I realized that I was just wearing a softy hat with my sun hat over it. Imagine this... we had a great conversation and regardless of what he may have thought about it, the hat situation was just not a big deal.
  

• When we came home we had some of my son's neighborhood buddies over to play. I went ahead and stayed comfortable in a softy hat, and when their dad (our friend) came to pick them up I talked to him for a full 20 minutes with just my hat on. He and his wife have known about my alopecia for years, but this was a first. While I felt very aware of it during our conversation, I did not feel ashamed of it. HUGE. And kudos to him for not even blinking an eyelash over it, no matter what he was thinking. This has happened a second time since then, and I continue to grow in confidence in my own skin (softy hat).
  

• Speaking of eyelashes, my son and I took my husband out to celebrate a major milestone the other day, and I bit the bullet and put on false eyelashes. I don't know why these have been such a mental hurdle for me (something to do with "one more thing to worry about") but I managed it and liked them! They felt super weird at first, but I loved the 3-D look it gave my face. They are too much of a pain for me to want to wear every day, but I definitely want to start wearing them for special occasions. (Apparently today was a special occasion, as I spent 30 minutes putting some on this morning to blog and take my son the library. Ha!)
  

• The other day we went on a day trip to the mountains and it was super hot. On the way home I told my husband "yeah, this is happening" and just put my "hair hat" in my lap and drove down the highway free of anything on my head. It was delightful. More delightful was when he reached over, squeezed my hand, and told me how proud he is of me. <3

So, what about this clarity I keep talking about? A few realizations:

• Alopecia seems to be as weird or not weird as I make it. If I am nonchalant about it, others seem to respond in kind. If I am uncomfortable about it, they respond in kind to that too. I think this is in part a fake-it-til-you-make-it scenario. As I continue to act calm and nonchalant and to give others permission to see me, I find myself actually feeling more calm and nonchalant about it.
  

• There is nothing wrong with wanting to look pretty. I enjoy having a pretty wig and it is okay to play with false eyelashes. Tons of people who HAVE eyelashes wear false ones anyway. It's not "giving in" to alopecia to try them.
  

• Writing and rereading what I have already written reminds me of my own priorities, and puts the lessons I've already learned front and center in my mind. I should probably make a point to reread this blog on a regular basis.

What about you? Is there something you have been seeking clarity on this summer? What works well for you to capture your progress and keep moving forward?