Balance

I’m not feeling especially deep today. To tell you the truth, I just feel tired. I have talked about this processing experience as doing the “work” of making peace with alopecia, and it really does feel like work this morning.

Last night I went to cut my hair. I have been so encouraged and excited by recent regrowth from the steroid shots, but when I went to trim it, I noticed a bunch of new spots (including a few big ones). Stupid alopecia. I am feeling a little raw this morning…just disappointed and frustrated.

Once again, I find myself fervently wishing that this would either come or go. That I could have a full head of hair or a clean, bald scalp. Alopecia Areata is neither. It is constantly living in the in-between. And today it just feels dumb. I have an appointment with my dermatologist on Thursday and, as with years past, I find myself wondering whether my vanity is worth the needle barrage to my poor scalp. But it’s not really just about vanity, is it? It’s also about hope.

So, I suppose that brings me to the questions of the day. Where is the line between hope and acceptance? Are they mutually exclusive? Can one truly accept something while still hoping for (and physically striving for) its opposite?

Maybe “making peace” isn’t about a hard line on this one way or the other. I suppose it doesn’t have to mean either submitting to the perceived inevitability of alopecia or centering myself on potentially unattainable hope. Maybe it’s really about learning to accept that this balancing act is and may well remain part of my life -- and choosing not to be dominated or overwhelmed by that reality.

It’s a new day. I read my Bible, wrote in my journal, had a delicious cup of coffee, and just got a “quick before the next virtual class starts” tackle hug from my kiddo. I am more than my alopecia, and today is more than a few moments of disappointment. Moving on (or at least trying to).